RUINS

God have I disappointed you? Are you mad at me?

I’m not exactly at the place where I want to be, but I know for certain that I am at the place where God says I need to be, and let me just say…it is not easy. I can so easily quit and leave. Actually, I am good at that. Whenever something gets too out of control and I know it’s not what I am passionate about, I will walk away. But this time, it’s different.  I feel God is teaching me a lesson I need to learn now before I take another step. It’s as if He is saying, “Baby girl, it’s now or never!” This time when the words, “I quit” were on the tip of my tongue, God put his hand on my chest and said, “STOP. STAY.”  

I recently turned 28. I thought that by now things would be different, you know…I thought I’d be somewhere else. This morning during worship I asked God, “God, have I disappointed you?”

This summer I experienced freedom, release, healing, and joy like never before, but this morning I couldn’t help but think, “Man, this could have been me eight years ago, but that’s not how it happened.” As we worshiped, I saw so many young faces at the altar crying and singing their hearts out to God in such freedom, I couldn’t help but think, “God, why wasn’t I like that at their age? Why did I wait this long to be completely in love with you? Why did I not do more for you in my youth? Did I waste my years? Have I ruined them? God…are you mad at me?”

Ruin = the remains of something that has been completely destroyed.

This song wrecked me as we sang it at church this morning…

“I’ll walk through the fire with my head lifted high

And my spirit revived in Your story.

I’ll look to the cross as my failure is lost

In the light of Your glorious grace.

So let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name

Rising up from the ashes, God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge in the shadow of Your wings

I will love You forever, and forever I’ll sing.”

-Glorious Ruins

Yesterday, I watched a movie about the life of an actor. It was all about his story as a poor man to his journey that led him from struggle to struggle, until he became someone great. He was a nobody. Ridiculed and thrown in mud, he pushed through and built a name for himself. His story resonated in me. All day yesterday and today, I felt a heaviness over my chest. (Isn’t it crazy that God wants to speak to us even in the simplest ways like…a movie?!)

This morning as we were worshiping, I felt the heaviness over my chest again so I placed my hand over that heaviness. Scenes of the movie kept playing in my head so I asked God what this was about, and his answer was, “Stories. I make beautiful stories out of…ruins.” I saw a picture of the world and books shooting up from all parts of the globe. Every book represented a person’s life story.

From mud to riches. It’s all about the process. It’s all about the journey. God is a creative writer. He is poetic, romantic, mysterious, adventurous…and oh, so merciful. He picks up pieces and see’s beauty and worth in them. He reconstructs and revives dead stones.

I teach high school Art History and these last weeks I have been discussing various historical ruins with my students. Although pieces of sculptures are missing, although pieces of natural architecture are broken, they are precious and valuable to the artist. These ruins are thousands of years old yet they are still spoken about and are untouchable, protected, and kept in the safest of all places. Security is placed around them so no man can lay a finger. Only one who is qualified and specialized in reconstruction can build these ruins back to life piece by piece. Only an archeologist who knows how it looked like in the past, knows every detail of its downfall, and sees how it can look like again in the future, can make it stand strong again.

We are the ruins - stories to be rebuilt and revived again. God is the archeologist who knows our past, downfall, and who sees what we will look like one day.

We haven’t gotten there yet though. Our pieces are still coming together. You really think this is it? You really think you have reached your peak? Gosh, no! We have yet to reach the fullness of our potential. There is more!

“If only you can see what I see!

If you just walk by faith and keep your eyes on me!

Call on me and I will answer you!”

As I am writing all of this, it’s all now making sense to me. I am still blaming myself when all God wants to do is love me and rebuild me. As I am learning to obey and stay still, unhealthy parts of my character are coming out to surface and I am becoming aware of the holes that still need to be filled with Jesus. I’m learning to sacrifice, push through, and build character. Jesus, fill me till I overflow.

Peace, Love, & Sparkles.

-Ahni