Why do I blog?

Sometimes I feel like speaking as a big sister to younger girls. To share my ups and downs of my life and simply say, “Babe, this is what I went through. Take whatever you need from my experiences so you may become better.”

My friend Crispy recently told me, “Ahni, your breakthrough is someone else’s breakthrough. You fought and went through the struggle so that the person after you doesn’t have to. You’re ceiling is their floor.”

There is healing when we speak in truth and love. I want to be opened about my fears and insecurities. I am not ashamed of them anymore. Putting my thoughts into writing brings clarity and order to my cabinet of thoughts. I look back and I can see Jesus through my timeline. I know it’s hard for you to see Him working in your timeline, but baby girl, he is there.

I blog because I love you and believe in you. I believe the dreams and desires God has placed in your heart are for good, are meant to be shared, and meant to explode in this world. I believe in your strength and sensitivity. I believe unity among us women can cause and explosion of goodness and love. I believe in the mother nature of God that is in each of us.

I believe in the underground diamonds – girls who are meant to shine but might not be there yet because of fear or insecurity. I believe your breakthrough is coming and I certainly believe that soon you too will have a story to tell.

You have a friend, a sister in me. 

“Babe, this is what I went through. 

Take whatever you need from my experiences 

so you may become better.”

Quietly wild,

-Ahni

She called me GORGEOUS!

A few weeks ago I stopped by the mall and saw a gray top with black bold letters that said GORGEOUS. I wanted to see and feel the top on me so I picked it up from the rack and went to the dressing room to try it on. I loved the fit! I knew it was a bold statement, but I also knew that I was not bold enough to wear it. First of all, because it was sleeveless and there was no way I could ever reveal my arms. Number two, because I simply wasn't brave enough. I walked out of the store feeling a bit…defeated.

MY FRIEND MITZY

My dearest friend Mitzy…she is FIERCE! She is STRONG! She is POWERFUL!

A few nights ago I had dinner with her. I wore a black skirt, black sleeveless top, and a black leather jacket. I have always been uncomfortable showing my arms and legs. I grew up playing sports so I have always felt that my calves and arms have always been…well…bigger than normal.

While eating dinner and chit chatting with Mitzy, I began to feel a bit warm so I decided to take my jacket off. I told Mitzy, “Mitzy, I’m going to take my jacket off. I never reveal my arms but I feel comfortable around you so…don’t freak out.” Mitzy’s response - “You’re crazy! You are just fine!”

(Look, showing off your arms might not be a big deal for you…but it is for me! I NEVER…I repeat…NEVER reveal my arms in public.)

We finished our dinner, and before leaving I stood up to go to the ladies room. I reached over to grab my jacket. I was not going to walk across a room full of people with my arms all uncovered…duh! But before I could grab my jacket Mitzy stopped me. With her index finger in the air she said, “No! You are not going to put on that jacket. Walk without it.” I smiled at her shyly and said okay. As I was leaving she said out loud, “You are GORGEOUS!”

That Mitzy! She knows how to straighten me out! I walked over to the ladies room with a smile on my face, walking in my heels that made me 6’3” tall, and showing off my uncovered arms. In that moment, I did not care if anyone stared at me - a tall, curvy, Mexican woman. In that moment…I felt gorgeous.

SURROUNDED BY AMAZING WOMEN

From the very first moment I met Mitzy and still today, somehow she always gets me to remove and peel off my insecurities. I have several other girl friends who do the same – Janeth, Crispy, Betsy, my sister. I feel blessed to be surrounded by women who speak words of affirmation to my life.

My cousin Ronnie is another amazing woman. The very first time Ronnie greeted me she gave me the warmest hug and smiling she said, “Hey beautiful.” Still to this day, Ronnie greets me the same. She never forgets to call me beautiful.

BACK TO THE MALL

After dinner with Mitzy and her loud, “You are gorgeous!” statement I decided to return to the mall and buy the top. I challenged myself to write this blog and upload a picture of myself wearing the top.

There is a story underneath that piece of fabric. There is a girl who grew up feeling ugly and unloved. Layers and layers of lies. And now as a woman, this girl is still in the process of peeling off and removing those layers. How? By believing in a beautiful God. By falling in love with gorgeous God who makes all things beautiful…even this girl, me. Girls, it gets easier. It gets better.

This is why I truly believe words are powerful. Slowly but surely I am learning to discern which words I should allow into my life. Slowly but surely…I am believing that I am gorgeous.

XOXO,

Ahni

P.S.

Some women try to cover up their thigh, hips, neck, feet, hands etc. We all do it. If you are a male reading this blog…welcome. Welcome to the mind of a woman.

Oh, and I just realized that the spelling on the shirt might be incorrect...

RUINS

God have I disappointed you? Are you mad at me?

I’m not exactly at the place where I want to be, but I know for certain that I am at the place where God says I need to be, and let me just say…it is not easy. I can so easily quit and leave. Actually, I am good at that. Whenever something gets too out of control and I know it’s not what I am passionate about, I will walk away. But this time, it’s different.  I feel God is teaching me a lesson I need to learn now before I take another step. It’s as if He is saying, “Baby girl, it’s now or never!” This time when the words, “I quit” were on the tip of my tongue, God put his hand on my chest and said, “STOP. STAY.”  

I recently turned 28. I thought that by now things would be different, you know…I thought I’d be somewhere else. This morning during worship I asked God, “God, have I disappointed you?”

This summer I experienced freedom, release, healing, and joy like never before, but this morning I couldn’t help but think, “Man, this could have been me eight years ago, but that’s not how it happened.” As we worshiped, I saw so many young faces at the altar crying and singing their hearts out to God in such freedom, I couldn’t help but think, “God, why wasn’t I like that at their age? Why did I wait this long to be completely in love with you? Why did I not do more for you in my youth? Did I waste my years? Have I ruined them? God…are you mad at me?”

Ruin = the remains of something that has been completely destroyed.

This song wrecked me as we sang it at church this morning…

“I’ll walk through the fire with my head lifted high

And my spirit revived in Your story.

I’ll look to the cross as my failure is lost

In the light of Your glorious grace.

So let the ruins come to life in the beauty of Your name

Rising up from the ashes, God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge in the shadow of Your wings

I will love You forever, and forever I’ll sing.”

-Glorious Ruins

Yesterday, I watched a movie about the life of an actor. It was all about his story as a poor man to his journey that led him from struggle to struggle, until he became someone great. He was a nobody. Ridiculed and thrown in mud, he pushed through and built a name for himself. His story resonated in me. All day yesterday and today, I felt a heaviness over my chest. (Isn’t it crazy that God wants to speak to us even in the simplest ways like…a movie?!)

This morning as we were worshiping, I felt the heaviness over my chest again so I placed my hand over that heaviness. Scenes of the movie kept playing in my head so I asked God what this was about, and his answer was, “Stories. I make beautiful stories out of…ruins.” I saw a picture of the world and books shooting up from all parts of the globe. Every book represented a person’s life story.

From mud to riches. It’s all about the process. It’s all about the journey. God is a creative writer. He is poetic, romantic, mysterious, adventurous…and oh, so merciful. He picks up pieces and see’s beauty and worth in them. He reconstructs and revives dead stones.

I teach high school Art History and these last weeks I have been discussing various historical ruins with my students. Although pieces of sculptures are missing, although pieces of natural architecture are broken, they are precious and valuable to the artist. These ruins are thousands of years old yet they are still spoken about and are untouchable, protected, and kept in the safest of all places. Security is placed around them so no man can lay a finger. Only one who is qualified and specialized in reconstruction can build these ruins back to life piece by piece. Only an archeologist who knows how it looked like in the past, knows every detail of its downfall, and sees how it can look like again in the future, can make it stand strong again.

We are the ruins - stories to be rebuilt and revived again. God is the archeologist who knows our past, downfall, and who sees what we will look like one day.

We haven’t gotten there yet though. Our pieces are still coming together. You really think this is it? You really think you have reached your peak? Gosh, no! We have yet to reach the fullness of our potential. There is more!

“If only you can see what I see!

If you just walk by faith and keep your eyes on me!

Call on me and I will answer you!”

As I am writing all of this, it’s all now making sense to me. I am still blaming myself when all God wants to do is love me and rebuild me. As I am learning to obey and stay still, unhealthy parts of my character are coming out to surface and I am becoming aware of the holes that still need to be filled with Jesus. I’m learning to sacrifice, push through, and build character. Jesus, fill me till I overflow.

Peace, Love, & Sparkles.

-Ahni

WHY I TATTOOED “OCEAN” ON MY ARM.

I was the high school girl sitting alone in every class. I was the quiet one.

If you've read my previous blogs you know that I struggled with self-esteem and self-image mind battles as a teenager. I did not love myself and I did not feel worthy of someone loving me as a wife and as a mother. I carried these mind battles all the way through my late teens and early twenties.

About four years ago I began having various dreams; you know…those heavenly sparkled ones! Those kinds of dreams that when you wake up you have no doubt they’re spoken whispers from God. In those dreams I saw myself as a wife and a mother.

The last dream I experienced, I saw myself sitting on a chair and on my lap was a baby girl. Not over 1 year. I saw her profile - round little head, skin color as mine, dark brown hair and eyes, and rosy lips. Something inside of me ran as an invisible rope connecting us together. I knew she was mine. Mine. My baby. My daughter. She turned her face to look at me and as our eyes connected I felt sound waves pounding in my body.

When I looked into her eyes, it was like diving in an ocean. I was taken to a midnight blue sky and a bright white moon glimmering over ocean waves. I saw a silhouette of myself standing on a cliff, and like a professional diver, I dove into the glittery waters.

Enamored. I was inside of love.

The ocean reminds me of God’s love. Strong and fierce, yet calm and still. I love the excitement that bubbles up inside when you’re close to arriving to the ocean. You know you are near because you can HEAR it, SMELL it, and TASTE it! As you draw closer, you push over the sand dunes as the sound of the ocean grows louder and louder, and then…there it is! There it is! OCEAN! You find yourself in the presence of the roaring ocean! The sounds wrap around you and its breeze refreshes you! The sight of wild waters crashing revives you and the smell invites you into the deep! The view keeps going and going…it never ends! It has no end! Peace overwhelms you as you realize ocean was always there. Love was always there, waiting for you.

Ocean. My baby girl. Her name will be…Ocean.

She is my future and my reward. A reminder of God’s promises for me. A seal marked in my heart to remind me I am worthy of love.

Today, I am still learning to love my self and let others love me. Every day is a victory. To let go is the scariest feeling ever, but to live in joy and freedom is a gift only heaven gives!

Every time I read “Ocean” on my wrist I am taken back to those pretty eyes, and I dive again into oceans of love.

Looking in your eyes

Is like diving in an ocean

I am sinking, falling like crazy for you

I am new to this feeling

It must be from heaven for sure

You are heaven’s sparkle

Sent to dance over my heart

I love you baby

My future, my reward

I don’t know you baby

Yet still you live in my dreams

Oceans of love…oceans of love

-Ahni Garay