It's taken me weeks to find the courage to post and share this blog. I have been writing pieces of this blog for several months now. The times I tried opening up about this at other occasions, I failed. I failed because I was not ready yet. My character was not ready. My heart had not healed. I did not understand the depths of my pain.
"I WANT TO SING SOMETHING LIFE-CHANGING TO THE WORLD,
BUT I COULDN'T SING THAT SONG UNTIL I HAD LIVED THAT SONG."
-Christa Black
I wanted to do so many things growing up. But at 18, 20, 24, 25…nothing was happening and I felt like I was wasting time. I asked God why doors were not opening, why was He not taking me to better places, why was I still stuck? Why everyone around me was moving forward except me? Well, now I understand. There was still something I needed to learn before launching.
At 27, I finally find myself ready. Now, I have something to say. Now I have something to sing about. My worship is deeper. My understanding is wider. My love for God is now stronger. Not only is His hand holding mine, I am now holding on tightly to his.
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THE BEGINNING
I grew up in a christian home, pastor's kid, went to christian school…e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g was...safe.
I gave my life to Jesus every week at Sunday school. I wanted to be like Lisa Leslie and Rebecca Lobo. I wanted to play in the WNBA. My best childhood memories came from playing outside on Marcus Street with the colonia kids.
At school, when the clock hit 2:30pm I would rush to the girls room to change into my athletic uniform. I was a proud 10 year old playing volleyball in the junior high team. At 12, I was playing in the high school team. I was captain. I knew I was good. After every practice, a friend and I would stay outside to run extra laps. I had to lose some pounds, stay in shape, and prove to others that I deserved my place in the team. I was only 12 years old, I knew nothing about life, yet the feeling of looking good and proving to others that 'I can' was so excruciating.
This was just the beginning of a long journey.
THE DAY WE MET
At 14, a freshman in high school, I gave a presentation on eating disorders. While researching online on Anorexia and Bulimia, I stumbled upon a site that taught girls how to actually be anorexic and bulimic. Images of skeletal bodies bombarded the site. Instructions and tips on how to easily purge, ways to hide it from others, certain body positions you can do to diminish hunger, and ways to convince yourself to eat less were written all over the site. I knew it was wrong and unpleasing to God.
I wasn't able to erase the images from my head. Every time I looked in the mirror, I compared the tiny, bony, bodies to mine. I wasn't overweight, but I wasn't skinny either. I was tall and athletic.
The most damage was done when I realized how easy it was to get rid of the food in my body. Binge eating gave me a momentary high. It stuffed the holes of insecurity but the high would always go away. After over eating, staring at my empty plate, the feeling of disgust would come over me. I had to get rid of it. All of it. I would lock myself in the upstairs bathroom, turn on the water faucet, and blast music from the radio to cover what I was about to do. I had two toothbrushes. One was for brushing my teeth. The other was hidden from everyone. Only I knew where it was. I grabbed the other toothbrush, afraid of hurting my body but convinced that it was what I needed to do. I knelt on the floor, with my face over the toilet, I would push the toothbrush down my throat hoping that my body would react right away.
I lost myself to purging.
I lost myself to purging.
LOST
After purging, the feeling of power and satisfaction rushed like adrenaline in my body. I can still remember the feeling creeping from my feet to my head. I felt like my skin could rip. I had to sit on the floor for a few seconds and wait for my body to stop shaking.
All through high school, I struggled with self-image, self-esteem, self-worth…anything that had to do with loving me. There were times that I would try to stop the purging. I knew God was not pleased but weeks later I would fall into it all over again.
I entered UTPA as a music major at the age of 18. During my voice class at UTPA as I was singing some vocal exercises, my instructor had enough of me. She pounded her hands on the piano, stood up from where she was sitting, and walked towards me. She stood in front of me and with her hands she clenched my arms. Shaking me and looking straight at my eyes she said, "I don't know what to do with you anymore. You can't sing."
ESCAPE
Something inside of me died. My instructor was someone I trusted, someone I looked up to. Those words she spoke over me crushed me and they would echo in my heart for years to come. I wanted to run away. I lost my purpose. I had no direction. So as a means of escape, I dropped out of my music classes and left the valley.
I left to Christ for the Nations Institute in Dallas, TX. At 19 and a student at CFNI, my roommate and I decided we had to lose weight. So, we taped pictures of skinny models in bikinis all over our kitchen. We were sure that looking at them would make us feel guilty about eating. The next day, we walked into our apartment after class and noticed that someone had taped bible verses on each picture. Still to this day, I don't know who taped those verses.
Throughout the semester, I encountered Christ like never before. I was so broken and I desperately needed Him. My eyes were open to the immense ocean of God's love. I fell in love with worship. I wanted to live in it forever. My relationship with Christ became mine and not just a lifestyle I grew up in.
That was the ending of purging, but the roots of all the negative feelings were still there. That was the problem.
MIND BATTLES: FEAR
As my relationship with Christ grew, the mental battles did the same.
I never played with drugs and alcohol, and never partied or hung out with the wrong crowd. I never craved for the rebellious, wild life. On the outside, I was the perfect pastor's daughter, but on the inside, the enemy attacked me where no one could see...but me. The enemy attacked my mind.
Fear. It tried to stop me from dreaming and believing. It was like a giant hand placed over my chest, pressing me back, stoping me from taking another step. It would whisper in my ear to give up. I was afraid of stepping into what God was calling me to do, but I wanted to so bad.
"FEAR NEVER STANDS ALONE; IT KEEPS AWFUL COMPANY…BRINGING ALONG ALL OF IT'S UGLY FRIENDS: WORRY, ANXIETY, SELF-HATRED, ANGER, DEPRESSION, JEALOUSY, RAGE, INSECURITY, and HOPELESSNESS."
-Christa Black
I came back to the Valley, studied at a local college, and entered a season of confusion. Fear was causing uncertainty in my future. With confusion came hopelessness, depression, and anger. I changed my major 3 times, never finished what I started, and I felt so out of place in college. I would find an empty restroom stall, lock myself in there and cry.
I was 21 when my family and I went on vacation to Florida. At night in our hotel room when everyone was asleep, I was laying on my bed crying. I was in a room with four other family members who loved me, yet I felt so alone. I remember feeling a heaviness of hopelessness and depression come upon me that night. I asked God to take me with Him in my sleep. I did not want to live anymore. I came really close to waking up my parents and asking for help, but I didn't find the courage to. I felt like a disappointment.
I became angry. I expected people to reject me, so I rejected them first. I had to make people think that I was not interested in them. I had to show guys that I was strong and I could do whatever they can do. I didn't let anyone take care of me, love me, or show affection to me. I felt unworthy of it. But when I was alone in my room, I would fall apart. I could hear whispers in my ear saying, "You're weak. Nobody wants you. You're dumb. You can't make it. Your life is a fake. You're never getting out of this."
This went on for years…until I got fed up.
"I believed in pain more than I believed in healing.
I believed in what I saw more than in what I could dream.
I believed in my limitations more than I believed in my potential.
In order to change anything, I HAD TO CHANGE WHAT I BELIEVED."
-Christa Black
YOU HAVE TO GO TO WAR TO BRING PEACE
"FREEDOM DOESN'T COME WITHOUT A FIGHT."
-Christa Black
I had to go to war to find the root of the pain. I longed to live in freedom and I longed for joy and laughter in my life. My relationship with Christ was beginning to sharpen and He was beginning to clean out and remove all the impurities that held me. I had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I did not belong in a fear cage! Whenever the enemy would whisper things in my ear, I began to punch back with words of life. I began to kick fear on the butt!
I pushed back the negative feelings and stepped out of my comfort. At 23 I began to sing at different events, at 24 I recorded an EP, and as the years progressed I took more responsibilities at church in speaking and leading worship. The more I stepped into my calling, the less I heard the enemy's whispers.
I stomped down on my fears…BUT…I never dealt with them. The fears still leaked out and reflected on my character and personality.
GOD LOVES UGLY
A few weeks ago I finished reading "God Loves Ugly" by Christa Black. She's a singer/songwriter/speaker who shares her personal victories against sexual abuse, eating disorders, pride and other battles. Her transparency brought so much clarity as to why I was hurting myself. All the hidden parts of my life came out to surface and I understood where my negative behavior came from.
1. Why couldn't I let people love me?
2. Why couldn't I love myself? Why did I have to turn to purging?
3. Why couldn't I be affectionate to others?
4. Why did I have to prove to people that I was strong?
ROOTS
1. I did not let people love me because I didn't love myself. I expected people to reject me. Why would anyone want me as a friend/girlfriend? I would walk into a room avoiding eye contact. The less communication I had with people, the better it was for me.
2. I didn't love myself because I felt unworthy of love. I hated my appearance. I didn't feel pretty. I compared myself to other girls who were prettier, had better bodies, were popular, had more money, more clothes, etc. So I turned to binge eating and purging to make me feel like I had control over something in my life. This was my way of getting noticed. This was my way of looking pretty.
3. I couldn't be affectionate because I was too proud. I was a bit uncomfortable when other people showed affection to me. A part of me longed for the affection, but the other part of me kept saying that it was a sign of weakness. When I was 15, my dad received a phone call from Monterrey informing him that his dad had just passed away. My mom said to my sisters and I, "Go and hug your dad. He's crying." I forcefully went to were my dad was and stood behind him as I stared at him for a few seconds. His left hand covered his face, his other held the phone. It was the first time I saw my dad cry. I wanted to throw my arms around him and cry with him,…but I walked away. PRIDE. I couldn't let others see me cry, not even my family.
4. I had to prove to people that I was strong. I did this because I needed their approval. I needed to hear words of recognition like, "Look at her, she can do it!" or "She's too good!" Their words were like fuel to me. I needed to hear them to believe that I was good enough. My voice instructor instilled doubt into my life. It didn't matter if I thought I was good at something. The opinions of others was more valuable to me than my own thoughts.
My behavior fell under one category. One thing that I was needing...love.
I ASKED GOD TO LOVE ME
My negative behavior came from a symptom of a love deficiency. It was a reaction of wounds that never healed.
Not too long ago I went through something that caused pain and disappointment in my life all over again. I blamed myself and never told anyone. I hid it and decided to deal with it on my own because I was so full of shame. A few weeks ago some friends and I drove to Dallas for a weekend to minister as a worship team. At the end of the night, some church leaders gathered to pray for the team. As they were praying for me, a church leader lovingly said to me, "The Lord has shown me an area of pain and disappointment that He just brought you out of. God is saying to you, 'I'm here to hold you. I'm here to comfort you.' And as you release the pain God is going to take that time and experience and turn it into good."
I let go.
I asked God to love me.
I let him love the unlovable, shameful, hidden, parts of my heart that I held from the age of 12 to 27.
I released it. All of it.
ALL THINGS
"AND WE KNOW THAT IN ALL THINGS
GOD WORKS FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE HIM, WHO HAVE
BEEN CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE."
-Romans 8:28
So this is what it feels to be born again! I feel loved! I was brought back to life again! Heaviness was lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe again. God's love, forgiveness,and grace washed me. At 27, I was finally living in it! Hope filled me. I now believe I had a purpose and my dreams don't seem unreachable.
I'm still not perfect and some parts are still healing, but I am so thankful that I'm not in that pit anymore! What was meant to destroy my life, might be my greatest comeback yet. This is where I am, this is exactly where I need to be, and I am so thankful.
I'm still not perfect and some parts are still healing, but I am so thankful that I'm not in that pit anymore! What was meant to destroy my life, might be my greatest comeback yet. This is where I am, this is exactly where I need to be, and I am so thankful.
MY NEW BELIEF SYSTEM
I had to acknowledge the negative words that were spoken over me and replace them with truth. The more I speak words of life over me, the more they will come into alignment. In the book, "God loves Ugly", Christa asks the readers to write negative words that were spoken over you and negative words you've spoken over yourself. Then, write the opposite of them and repeat them to yourself for 40 days using this template…
"I do not receive the words that I am__________________.
I replace those words of death with words of life and believe and declare that I am__________________________."
This was not easy to do. I was crying as I was typing away, filling in the template. It cost me to speak words of life over myself. The words were piercing, cutting and slowly destroying the words of death spoken over me.
I want to share with you some of my declarations...
1. I DO NOT RECEIVE THE WORDS THAT I AM UNWORTHY OF LOVE.
I REPLACE THOSE WORDS OF DEATH WITH WORDS OF LIFE AND BELIEVE AND DECLARE THAT I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. MY WORTH AND MY IDENTITY IS IN CHRIST AND WHO HE SAYS THAT I AM. I WILL BREATH IT IN EVERY MORNING AND EVERY NIGHT. THE VIOLENT LOVE OF GOD SWEEPS ME OFF MY FEET! THE NATURAL WORLD WILL FOLLOW MY DECLARATIONS AND I DECLARE THAT I AM LOVED AND I WILL ALLOW OTHERS TO LOVE ME.
2. I DO NOT RECEIVE THE WORDS THAT I AM UGLY.
I REPLACE THOSE WORDS OF DEATH WITH WORDS OF LIFE AND BELIEVE AND DECLARE THAT I AM A BEAUTIFUL, TALL, GOD-FEARING WOMAN, WHO IS WORTHY OF LOVE, AND RIGHT NOW GOD IS WORKING IN ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT, HEALING AND RESTORING THE PAIN.
3. I DO NOT RECEIVE THE WORDS THAT I WILL LIVE IN FEAR AND INSECURITY.
I REPLACE THOSE WORDS OF DEATH WITH WORDS OF LIFE AND BELIEVE AND DECLARE THAT I AM FREE!!! FEAR IS A LOAD OF GARBAGE! MY MENTAL CHAINS ARE NO LONGER REIGNING IN ME. I HAVE POWER OVER MY EMOTIONS. THEREFORE, I WILL LIVE LOUDER AND LOVE DEEPER.
4. I DO NOT RECEIVE THE WORDS THAT I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE IN LIFE.
I REPLACE THOSE WORDS OF DEATH WITH WORDS OF LIFE AND BELIEVE AND DECLARE THAT I AM CALLED AND SET APART. I WAS CREATED WITH PURPOSE. MY FAILURES WILL BE USED FOR GOOD BECAUSE ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD. BECAUSE I HAVE PERSEVERED THROUGH THE TRIAL, GOD IS TAKING ME AND USING ME TO PLACES AND IN WAYS I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE. THE ENEMY IS A BIG, FAT, LIAR!
5. I DO NOT RECEIVE THE WORDS THAT I HAVE AN UGLY BODY.
I REPLACE THOSE WORDS OF DEATH WITH WORDS OF LIFE AND BELIEVE AND DECLARE THAT I AM CREATED BY THE BEST DESIGNER, SCULPTOR, PAINTER, AND ARTIST. I AM LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY THE ONE WHO MATTERS MOST! I FEEL BETTER AND LOOK BETTER BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM DOING HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISING. (BODY BY VI MY DARLING!) AND THIS TIME I WON'T FALL INTO PURGING AGAIN.
6. I DO NOT RECEIVE THE WORDS THAT I AM WEAK AND I WILL FALL INTO THE PIT AGAIN.
I REPLACE THOSE WORDS OF DEATH WITH WORDS OF LIFE AND BELIEVE AND DECLARE THAT I AM STRONGER NOW. GOD HAS BROUGHT ME OUT OF DARKNESS. THEREFORE, I DO NOT BELONG IN IT. I WILL FIGHT THE MENTAL BATTLES AND I WILL WIN.
