WHY I TATTOOED “OCEAN” ON MY ARM.

I was the high school girl sitting alone in every class. I was the quiet one.

If you've read my previous blogs you know that I struggled with self-esteem and self-image mind battles as a teenager. I did not love myself and I did not feel worthy of someone loving me as a wife and as a mother. I carried these mind battles all the way through my late teens and early twenties.

About four years ago I began having various dreams; you know…those heavenly sparkled ones! Those kinds of dreams that when you wake up you have no doubt they’re spoken whispers from God. In those dreams I saw myself as a wife and a mother.

The last dream I experienced, I saw myself sitting on a chair and on my lap was a baby girl. Not over 1 year. I saw her profile - round little head, skin color as mine, dark brown hair and eyes, and rosy lips. Something inside of me ran as an invisible rope connecting us together. I knew she was mine. Mine. My baby. My daughter. She turned her face to look at me and as our eyes connected I felt sound waves pounding in my body.

When I looked into her eyes, it was like diving in an ocean. I was taken to a midnight blue sky and a bright white moon glimmering over ocean waves. I saw a silhouette of myself standing on a cliff, and like a professional diver, I dove into the glittery waters.

Enamored. I was inside of love.

The ocean reminds me of God’s love. Strong and fierce, yet calm and still. I love the excitement that bubbles up inside when you’re close to arriving to the ocean. You know you are near because you can HEAR it, SMELL it, and TASTE it! As you draw closer, you push over the sand dunes as the sound of the ocean grows louder and louder, and then…there it is! There it is! OCEAN! You find yourself in the presence of the roaring ocean! The sounds wrap around you and its breeze refreshes you! The sight of wild waters crashing revives you and the smell invites you into the deep! The view keeps going and going…it never ends! It has no end! Peace overwhelms you as you realize ocean was always there. Love was always there, waiting for you.

Ocean. My baby girl. Her name will be…Ocean.

She is my future and my reward. A reminder of God’s promises for me. A seal marked in my heart to remind me I am worthy of love.

Today, I am still learning to love my self and let others love me. Every day is a victory. To let go is the scariest feeling ever, but to live in joy and freedom is a gift only heaven gives!

Every time I read “Ocean” on my wrist I am taken back to those pretty eyes, and I dive again into oceans of love.

Looking in your eyes

Is like diving in an ocean

I am sinking, falling like crazy for you

I am new to this feeling

It must be from heaven for sure

You are heaven’s sparkle

Sent to dance over my heart

I love you baby

My future, my reward

I don’t know you baby

Yet still you live in my dreams

Oceans of love…oceans of love

-Ahni Garay