I was the high school girl sitting alone
in every class. I was the quiet one.
If you've read my previous blogs you
know that I struggled with self-esteem and self-image mind battles as a teenager. I did not love myself and I did not feel worthy of someone loving me as
a wife and as a mother. I carried these mind battles all the way through my
late teens and early twenties.
About four years ago I began having
various dreams; you know…those heavenly sparkled ones! Those kinds of dreams
that when you wake up you have no doubt they’re spoken whispers from God. In those
dreams I saw myself as a wife and a mother.
The last dream I experienced, I saw
myself sitting on a chair and on my lap was a baby girl. Not over 1 year. I saw
her profile - round little head, skin color as mine, dark brown hair and eyes,
and rosy lips. Something inside of me ran as an invisible rope connecting us
together. I knew she was mine. Mine. My baby. My daughter. She turned her face to
look at me and as our eyes connected I felt sound waves pounding in my body.
When I looked into her eyes, it was like
diving in an ocean. I was taken to a midnight blue sky and a bright white moon
glimmering over ocean waves. I saw a silhouette of myself standing on a cliff,
and like a professional diver, I dove into the glittery waters.
Enamored. I was inside of love.
The ocean reminds me of God’s love. Strong
and fierce, yet calm and still. I love the excitement that bubbles up inside when
you’re close to arriving to the ocean. You know you are near because you can HEAR
it, SMELL it, and TASTE it! As you draw closer, you push over the sand dunes as
the sound of the ocean grows louder and louder, and then…there it is! There it
is! OCEAN! You find yourself in the presence of the roaring ocean! The sounds
wrap around you and its breeze refreshes you! The sight of wild waters crashing
revives you and the smell invites you into the deep! The view keeps going and
going…it never ends! It has no end! Peace overwhelms you as you realize ocean
was always there. Love was always there, waiting for you.
Ocean. My baby girl. Her name will be…Ocean.
She is my future and my reward. A
reminder of God’s promises for me. A seal marked in my heart to remind me I am
worthy of love.
Today, I am still learning to love my
self and let others love me. Every day is a victory. To let go is the scariest
feeling ever, but to live in joy and freedom is a gift only heaven gives!
Every time I read “Ocean” on my wrist I
am taken back to those pretty eyes, and I dive again into oceans of love.
Looking in your eyes
Is like diving in an ocean
I am sinking, falling like crazy for you
I am new to this feeling
It must be from heaven for sure
You are heaven’s sparkle
Sent to dance over my heart
I love you baby
My future, my reward
I don’t know you baby
Yet still you live in my dreams
Oceans of love…oceans of love
-Ahni Garay
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